If you’re the parent of a teenager, you’ve probably found yourself wondering: who is this person, and what happened to my child? One day they were chatting happily at the dinner table; now they’re monosyllabic, easily irritated, and seem to find your very presence unbearable.

You’re not imagining it. Adolescence is one of the most profound transitions a human being goes through — and it’s genuinely hard, for teenagers and parents alike.

What’s actually happening?

Adolescence is a period of deep psychological reorganisation. Your teenager is in the process of forming an identity — figuring out who they are, separate from you. This means they need to push away, even from the parents they love. It can feel like rejection, but it’s actually development.

It helps to think of it as a second toddlerhood. The fierce “no”, the push for independence, the intense emotions — toddlers and teenagers are doing something remarkably similar. Both are in the midst of individuation, the gradual process of becoming a separate person. The first time it happens, your child is two. The second time, they’re fifteen. And just as in the toddler years, it can feel as though you’ve temporarily lost the child you knew.

What makes it harder is that teenagers feel everything with great intensity, while the parts of the brain responsible for impulse control and long-term thinking are still maturing — a process that isn’t complete until the mid-twenties. They are navigating adult-sized emotions with still-developing tools.

What teenagers actually need — and why being hated matters

One of the most important things a parent can do is allow their teenager to hate them — and to show that they can survive it. When a parent tolerates anger and contempt without collapsing, retaliating, or withdrawing, the message to the adolescent is quietly reassuring: your feelings are not too much. You are not too powerful. I can hold this.

The parallel with toddlerhood holds here too. When a toddler has a furious meltdown and a parent stays calm and present, the child learns that big emotions won’t destroy the relationship. The same is true for teenagers. If a parent falls apart in the face of their child’s anger, the unspoken message is a troubling one: your feelings are dangerous — even I can’t manage them. For a young person already overwhelmed by unfamiliar emotions, this is deeply unsettling. It leaves them feeling more powerful, and more frightened, than any teenager should have to feel.

A note for parents

Staying regulated when your child is not is one of the most demanding aspects of parenting. Many of us didn’t have good models for it ourselves — and if emotions were overwhelming or dismissed in our own childhood, responding differently to our own children can be genuinely difficult. That’s not a failing. But it is something that can be worked on, and sometimes having support yourself makes all the difference.

When to be concerned

Most turbulence in adolescence is normal. But persistent low mood, withdrawal from friends, changes in eating or sleeping, self-harm, or a sudden drop in school performance are all signs worth taking seriously. Seeking help early is not an overreaction — it’s good parenting.

A final thought

With the right support — for teenagers and their parents — adolescence need not only be something to endure. It can also be a time of remarkable growth, creativity, and the gradual emergence of a fascinating young adult.

If you’re concerned about your teenager and would like to find out whether therapy might help, please feel free to get in touch.

Dr Elise Riley is a child and adolescent psychotherapist and published author based in Bloomsbury, central London. She works with children and young people up to the age of 25, as well as parents and couples. She trained at the Tavistock and holds a Doctorate in Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy. Sessions are available in English and French. www.eliserileytherapy.com